I didn’t notice my burnout right away.
I think it probably started with my first child. I struggled with postpartum depression and had virtually no support other than my husband and a bottle of antidepressants.
Social media didn’t help. What was disguised as a “supportive community” turned out to be a dark hole of comparison, judgement, and harsh opinions. Moms judging other moms, women without children judging those who do, women with children judging those who don’t, and too many “expert” opinions left me feeling like I was doomed for failure no matter what choice I made.
Crippled with anxiety, I began to close off to the world. I stopped posting as often, I didn’t have friends over, eventually I didn’t even feel like I could take my kids to the grocery store.
Stuck in my house, alone, I started to feel extremely isolated and a little bit helpless. I’ll admit, the victim mindset set in and became almost impossible to shake. This only brought feelings of resentment and even rage. With a million other responsibilities I lacked the mental space to really develop my own self-control.
I say all this because I don’t think I’m alone in my feelings. Truthfully, they weren’t completely unjustified. However, they became heightened because it became a cycle I could not escape on my own. I would spend one week feeling great, and the next, absolutely horrible. I would snap for small reasons.
The hardest part was not feeling connected to myself as a person anymore. My personality had changed. From things like what I enjoyed doing for fun, to my most fundamental beliefs. I had been looking at life through a new lens, my childrens’, for so long that I couldn’t remember what life looked like to me.
I was completely burnt out from parenting, and I was missing out on motherhood.
It wasn’t until I changed my perspective, and began looking at my values that things changed.
If you are struggling with burnout, keep reading to learn the signs, symptoms, and helpful steps for recovery.
Signs + Symptoms of Burnout
According to the American Psychological Association, burnout is “a result of chronic exposure to emotionally draining environments.” The first research on parental burnout took place in the United States in the 1980s, focusing on parents of children with tumors (Procaccini, J., and Kiefaber, M. W., Parent Burnout, Doubleday, 1983).
In 2018, Isabelle Roskam, PhD, and her colleagues developed a measurement called the Parental Burnout Assessment after surveying more than 900 parents they had determined to be experiencing burnout. From these subjects’ testimonies, the researchers extracted four dimensions of parental burnout: exhaustion in one’s parental role, contrast with previous parental self, feelings of being fed up with one’s parental role, and emotional distancing from one’s children.
So what does all of this look like today? Usually, burnout occurs in stages.
Stage 1: Overwhelming exhaustion
This may be physical or mental exhaustion. Constantly worried about your child’s needs, while balancing anxiety about completing executive functioning tasks for yourself, stress begins to build and can disrupt sleep. This further exacerbates the problems and causes even more irritability.
Stage 2: Distancing yourself to preserve energy
Spending more time out of the house, using screen time to distract and occupy the children, and feeling a constant need for a “break” even if you may have just gotten one may all point towards burnout.
Stage 3: Loss of fulfillment in parenting
Feeling constantly drained by your children’s presence, snapping for small reasons, and possibly even regret towards parenting are all signs that you are no longer feeling fulfilled by your role as a parent.
The result? A whole lot of guilt and shame that you are not the mom you want to be.
Unlike other jobs, parenting doesn’t come with built-in sick days or a week’s vacation. The constant stress of parenting with no relief can lead to more intense feelings of sadness and anxiety, and can even cause suicidal ideation.
The Consequences of Burnout for Children
What’s even scarier is that in an as-yet-unpublished 2020 study, Annette Griffith, PhD, a professor of psychology at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, found that parents who indicated higher levels of burnout also indicated higher levels of coercive or punitive parenting practices, and the parents who reported the biggest change of burnout level from January to June 2020 had the highest risk for child maltreatment.
Unfortunately, all of these negative behaviors and reactions usually lead to more guilt and sensitivity, only causing the cycle to begin again and become almost impossible to break.
Relief for Burnout: How to Manage Your Stress as a Mom
The good news is, there are things you can do today to start feeling better. It’s important to remember that it takes time to recover and a crucial element to your healing is giving yourself a lot of patience and grace. Follow these steps to start feeling better and take charge of your emotions.
1. Talk to a Therapist
Your husband may make a great sounding board, but he’s not a professional. You need someone that can listen to you without judgement, and help you work through your struggles from an educated perspective. There is a lot happening physically and chemically in your body for the first 5 years after having a child, and a doctor will be able to give you the best advice on how you can be healthy: mind and body.
2. Change Your Perspective
If you are looking at motherhood as a checklist of things everyone else (kids, husband, society, etc) has told you that you have to do, it’s no wonder you aren’t enjoying your day. Motherhood isn’t about performing, it’s about connecting with your kids. Instead of looking at the to-do list, try to be present with your kids and make memories for yourself, too, not just them. This is your motherhood journey just as much as it is their childhood, and you can make it look however you want it to. There are no rules, and that’s exciting!
3. Make Small Changes & Set Boundaries
When you find yourself stuck in a constant loop of dread, it can be really hard to make the switch to being positive and happy again, no matter how hard you want to. Things like cooking dinner, showering and putting on fresh clothes, can feel impossible. Start by making small changes, a little bit at a time. Communicate with the other people living with you that you are working to make this change so that they can help you and respect that goal. Remember that even a small change is better than nothing at all.
For example, I used to really struggle with waking up in the morning. I would beg my husband to wake up instead, or go back for a nap as soon as he got up. I lost so many sweet morning hours I could have spent having breakfast and getting ready with my children because, in my head, all of those tasks seemed really big, hard, and challenging. Then, I found an easy, delicious breakfast that gives me energy, takes good, and I can make on a daily basis. Now, the task of breakfast is almost too easy not to do it. I communicated that change with my husband so that he can help me make sure that food is always in our kitchen. If for some reason we can’t have that breakfast, I have a couple ‘back up breakfasts’ waiting in the pantry. It doesn’t happen every day, but it does happen most days, and that has added up to a happier me in the mornings!
4. Research Parenting Struggles
I just recently started reading again, and found myself looking at more parenting books. Books like The Whole Brain Child can be super helpful in understanding your children better and the developmental stages they’re going through. If you aren’t a big reader, you can always look up specific parenting issues on google and find plenty of CREDIBLE sources with advice to help. If you or your child are really struggling you can also set up an appointment with your pediatrician, who can assess your child and point you towards more helpful resources.
5. Quit the Comparison Game
Social media can be super helpful, but it also can be a trap for the comparison game. If you find yourself doom scrolling only to feel even more depressed instead of encouraged, then it may be time for a break. When you do get back on your profile, make sure to go through who you follow and weed out whatever accounts are draining your energy or are otherwise unproductive. Reminder, social media is a scrapbook for everyone’s best experiences, don’t compare their edited best moments to your unfiltered chaotic moments.
6. Create Routines & Take Breaks
Right now, you may be swinging from moments of complete, uncontrollable chaos, to the most stale, boring, and exhausting experiences. This is where the window of tolerance comes in. Think of your emotions and stress level like a window, and when it starts to get too high, you start to fall outside of that window. When it’s too low, and your not being stimulated by things like hobbies and interests, adult conversation, time outside, etc. you also fall outside of that window. When you are in your window of tolerance, you are at your best to be productive, supportive, and engaging.
If you haven’t yet, spend this week working to be more aware of your window of tolerance. Write down things that may trigger you to fall outside of that window, such as a loud tv, a messy house, running late, not eating enough, etc and work to find practical ways to combat those issues.
If you struggle to complete tasks due to your needy children (lol we love them) then break everything down into smaller tasks and take mini breaks in between to check in with your babies.
For example, instead of the goal being: get ready, let the goal be to get dressed. Then, do my hair, then brush my teeth, and take small breaks in between each of those tasks.
7. Remember Your Why
When things get really hard, because they will get really hard, and nothing seems to help or work, the best you can do is remember your “why.” You worked so hard to build this life, and it is a beautiful life, why did you do that? Why do you continue to do it? Do you do the dishes because you’re supposed to, or do you do the dishes because you value a clean and safe environment for yourself and your kids?
If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to sit down and write out your why. Figure out your values, and what brings you fulfillment. I have attached a value sheet that should help you discover the ways you hope to show up in different areas of your life. Work through it and then spend the week trying to find ways to act out those values.
Give Yourself Space and Patience to Adapt
Parenting is a huge life change, and it continues to evolve as you and your children grow and develop. You will absolutely nail it in some areas, and fall flat on your face in others. That’s OK. I’ve been trying to find a good rhythm since my first was born, but it can be challenging when their schedule is constantly changing. What’s important is that you prioritize your own well-being and do your best to show love to your kids in whatever capacity you can on a daily basis. The fact that you read this article and are actively searching out ways to improve is a huge step!
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